What the Hell, Universe?
What's gone on this week
You know that feeling when you think you're finally making progress on something and then you get knocked back to the beginning? Two steps forward two steps back as the saying goes. That was this week.
I've written previously about how hard things have been this year for me. Work has been very stressful and I'm burnt out. But I came up with a plan to deal with things. A plan that would restructure the teams that I oversee so I wasn't buried under so much work and could grow rather than plow. Things were progressing. My plan was coming to fruition. Until it wasn't.
The plan is still in place, but the date for implementation has moved out a couple of months. Most of the action took place the previous week but this week it really hit me. Hard.
I'm an optimist. I always try to see the best in people and situations. I like to believe that the universe gives us exactly what we need. I have faith that it is generally a benevolent place. I can usually see the lessons that I need to learn when something happens and even if I don't love it see it as part of a bigger picture. But this week my optimism and perspective completely deserted me and all I could think was WHAT THE HELL UNIVERSE?!
It feels so unfair and I feel lost, again. Are my plans wrong? Am I not going in the right direction? Have I not been tested enough? What more do I have to learn? And if this is about my learning more can't I get a break first? Even a small one? I think it likely that at some point I'll be able to look back and see the reason for all of this, but that perspective is a ways off. For now I'm just working on putting one foot in front of the other and dragging myself through the daily grind instead of hiding under the covers until things improve.
A couple of good things did happen this week along with having my faith severely shaken. I'm finally starting to feel like myself for small periods instead of being exhausted all the time. Rest is not something I'm very good at these days. I feel like a teenager if I sleep late, and resent not being able to do things. But I've been sticking with it.
I also hit a writing milestone this week - reaching the 1/2 way point in my story. The rest looks both terrifyingly vast and incredibly small when I think of all the things that the story needs in the remaining space. It's very satisfying to look at the almost 50,000 words that I've written.
My writing is the thing that gets me through weeks like this. In times like this creativity is not optional. It is a necessity. The thing that keeps me going and away from despair. It never ceases to amaze me how creative I can be when the rest of my life is not going well. If I don't make the time to be creative things get even darker. Hard as it is to find the time it is also absolutely crucial to my well being.
Some of the seeds that sprouted last week have grown their true leaves, which are the second set of leaves that develop. The ones I direct sowed outside are also sprouting. It's fascinating to watch something grow from seed and makes me feel like a MASTER OF GARDENING. It will likely be a while before I can plant them out, but it's exciting. I'll be feeding them once a week and keeping them under the grow lights until they're more established.
I've been fighting with the squirrel again. He or she rampaged through my newly planted chamomile and one of the sets of direct sowed seeds. I'm worried that any young plants I put out will be uprooted. Critter Ridder doesn't seem to work. I'm trying cayenne pepper on the soil of plants I'm particularly worried about. I guess I should be grateful that the plants aren't being eaten. I wonder if netting or metal screening would work?
I have two Fuchsias that were severely heat damaged a few weeks ago during the last big heat wave. Both of them are showing signs of life again which has made me very happy. One of them in particular I love. It's a Firecracker Fuchsia. I saw it at Kew Gardens last year and was thrilled to be able to get my hands on one when I got back.
What I'm Loving
I know I talked about it last week, but I finished listening to Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle this week and I loved it so much I want to shout from the roof tops about it. Seriously. I'm telling every woman I know about it. The information about completing the stress cycle and dealing with stress and stressors as separate and different things blew my mind.